Counselling for Men

So, we’re cautious and often put on an act when we’re with others. Other men, in particular. We pretend. At some level, we know what we’re doing, but are unable and often unwilling to break through this pretense. So, even amongst our friends, colleagues or mates we often don’t feel fully connected. We even sometimes feel alone. We talk more about individual performance and achievement and less about how we might need the help of others.

Men are defined (and define themselves) by what they do, what they have or, increasingly, how they look. Take those things away, or threaten them in some way, and most men will struggle. They will often become lost and insecure. Even frightened.

Occasionally, however, an event will galvanise men into being at one with each other as they share a unity of purpose. This can be experienced as we come together to watch a closely fought out sporting event, or in times of crises where other individuals or communities are threatened, for example bush fires, floods or accidents. We come together to help. But these activities and their focus are outwardly directed. The focus is outside of ourselves, to that which collectively binds us.

And while this shared participation in an event or crisis might hold us together on one level, after the event or crisis passes, we are once again made conscious of that sense of awkwardness and caution in our relationships with our fellow men.

This awkwardness and caution can even characterise our relationships with our partners or wives. But on a different level.

What is going on here?

Some social commentators will argue today that many men don’t understand their feelings or emotions. Worse still, they fear them. They argue that this ignorance and fear is closely related to men’s poor sense of self worth. Their sense of who they are.

With their friends, colleagues or mates, they will say or do anything that prevents this poor sense of self being exposed. Hence, the unwritten rules or boundaries that govern these relationships. Conversations are kept pretty much on the surface. Everything or anything is avoided that is likely to tap into their hidden doubts about themselves.

With their partners, however, the challenges for men are more demanding. For many men, the struggles and challenges around intimate relationships can directly tap into their poor sense of themselves. Sex can be a particular challenge. They struggle around always feeling they need to be the one to make the first move sexually – and when they do, they are often rejected. They may even start to question their masculinity or, indeed, their sexuality. And together with feeling that they’re not being supported or acknowledged by their partners, they hurt and feel like failures.

Often, these feelings have been laid down in their lives from a very early age. An over critical, abusive or unavailable parent or parents can have a toxic effect on a boy as he grows. As a boy, he internalises his abusive, critical or unavailable parent. As a man, he can become sensitive and even hypervigilent around these feelings being exposed.

Sometimes with his partner, however, even the slightest look away or withdrawal will trigger these old wounds. Often denied and buried emotions will quickly come to the surface. What they have feared, their emotions, are now centre stage. Any pretence at feeling confident, valuable, loved, needed or important, all quickly evaporate in the ‘white heat’ of the overwhelming negativity of what he is feeling.

He is consumed by feelings of failure and unhappiness. And how does he respond to these painful feelings? He shuts down and withdraws and pretends everything is OK. Or he gets angry. Either way, the relationship continues for a time until one day he comes home and finds his partner has left.

He’s shattered and bewildered. Why? He thought everything was OK. But it wasn’t.

“I don’t trust a man who can’t cry”

General Norman Schwarzkopf – Leader of the US and Allied forces, 1991 Gulf War

Men will often have a lot of difficulty admitting that there is something wrong with their relationship. They will often come to therapy reluctantly and only at the insistence of their partner.

They are wary of all this talk about ‘feelings’ and the very idea of sitting in a room with a total stranger talking about all this ‘touchy-feely’ stuff fills them with dread. This is understandable.

Worse still, they instinctively know that all the exterior supports like their achievements, what they look like and what they ‘do’, will be of little help to them in this situation. They don’t know what to say or what’s expected of them. They are anxious and uncertain about getting too ‘personal’ in this alien environment.